My Childhood Trauma

My parents divorced when I was as old as nineteen, so I probably can’t blame that for the way I am. I was a late developer, so chances are I was still a child. But I left to go into the big-bad-beast we call the-world all the same, so I must have been kinda grown up.

I get the feeling that I was an unplanned child, so I can probably claim that as trauma. The feeling itself might not be based on fact (although my parents were quite young when I came along and I can’t seem to figure out whether they married before or after I was conceived), but the fact that I am feeling them is reason enough to call myself traumatised. I guess.

Was I beaten? No. I was cuffed around the head a few times, but I wouldn’t call it a sustained attack. I was as naughty as any child, I guess. Although, on reflection, it didn’t feel like naughty. It all felt normal from the inside. But then again – doesn’t it always? I guess I was upset because I wanted the rights of an adult as a child. I didn’t want to feel ‘wrong’ just because the ‘right’ person was bigger than me.

Was I starved? No. I ate as much as I needed to eat. There was always food. I was given access to too much sugar and it probably made me hyperactive (which probably looked like ‘naughty’ to my parents). Choices. I always had choices. I don’t remember being forced to eat anything that I didn’t want to eat.

Was I abused? Prolly not. I have some gaps, but I hesitate to fill them with abuse. That’s an unknown for me. There has to be something that made me the way I am (kinda friable). But I think that it’s a mistake to go looking for easy-answers.

Childhood trauma seems to be largely absent from my life … and actually, adult trauma seems to be rare too. So what’s going on inside me, then! Does everyone feel confused about how the world works?

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38 thoughts on “My Childhood Trauma

    • I absofuckinglutely HATE exist****lism! Sorry and all that, Joss, but it is the most miserable, misery-enhancing philosophy there ever was in the whole history of the world. Apart from that – I so totally agree with you! 😀
      How’s your day going?

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      • Oh, no! Whhhyyyy? I think it’s freeing. I spent my whole life thinking I was missing the point, so being told that there isn’t really an official point to life actually kind of helped me out. My day’s been alright, how has yours been?

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      • I actively embrace points. I want there to be a point to all the things I do and for it to be a good point and for life to be meaningful. But that’s just me. 🙂
        My day? Well so far it’s only a couple of hours old and so … I’ll let you know.

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      • Definitely. 🙂 We should try to work toward a world that’s better for all of us, I think.
        I find nihilism to be too much and have a friend who I feel uses it as an excuse to a professional drug addict.

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      • I never really thought about it too much, but I guess that I’m not really into Western Philosophy very much. It went downhill when they started to go for a more ‘secular and rational foundation for knowledge’ as far as I’m concerned. Too much emphasis on money and material isn’t good for any being and it seems to have gone particularly badly for human ones. If I had to give a favourite, I’d choose Buddhist philosophy – it just seems more positive and cheerful is all. 🙂
        Better living through chemistry don’t quite seem viable to me neither.

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