How do I rid myself of this sticky unease? It’s all in my mind right now but I think that it has come from my body. I think that it took root in my body and is now growing through into my mind.
I wrote (most of) the above a few days ago. I think that the ‘cure’ is to stop dicking around and do something useful.
I also need to cure my addictions to:
There is a lot of slime behind those three words.
On a different note – I was thinking, on the way to work, that I should recreate the conditions of my ‘real’ life on this blog, but then I realised that this would involve not posting anything, unfriending everyone and then ignoring all comments. So that might not work for me.
What I really need to do is become a real boy. I need to open up to the world. And that doesn’t mean just on my blog. I need to express myself more to the flesh and blood people around me.
But before I can do that, I need to become a better person inside. I need to become someone who has things that are worth expressing. Good things. I have too many thoughts about unsavoury subjects. I would like to stop having them.
I maybe need to modify the inputs to my life. For example, I’m reading Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis, which is a really grim tale narrated by someone who seems to have gone bonkers. It’s written in a style and tense that encourages the reader to feel the same things the writer is feeling. I can feel it sucking my mood down and my energy out. Someone recommend me a nicer book?
I’m in a team meeting right now. My only contribution so far is “I spent Friday messing about with the ‘GNU Image Manipulation Program’ otherwise known as GIMP and then the weekend worrying about how to phrase the following sentence “Please Give Me Some Work To Do!”” I have said other things since then, but most of them involved me begging to be given something useful to do.
I need, I need, I need. I’m just one needy bundle of flesh right now.
Have a nice day.