Walked past a restaurant this morning. I saw a couple sat by a window – on holiday – eating their breakfast. They had the same expression you see on the faces of just about all married couples eating their breakfast. Fear!
Have you ever noticed that we set each other so many rules to live by that, sometimes, being in people’s company is like walking on eggshells? And that married couples are generally the worst cases!
I guess the origin of the problem is partly that our courtship strategies tend to put us together with people that we only half like. We figure that we can work on the other half over time and hopefully then end up with someone who we can fully like. Trouble is, it hardly ever works out like that.
We want to become someone with a perfectly moulded and ultimately contented partner. Instead we wind up being with someone who resents every attempt we have lovingly made to change them into someone they never wanted to be. And it will show on their face. It will look like fear of making mistakes.
You see the thing is – everyone thinks that they are perfect just the way they are. The reasoning for this goes: I was doing fine before I met him/her, so I sure as heck don’t need anyone to make me into a ‘better person’ now!
Perhaps you have experienced this? Someone attempting to make you into a better person just feels like a rule that has been imposed on you from the outside. Remember when you were a kid and your parents were always telling you what to do? And they told you it was for your own good? Well it feels like that, right?
Sure, sometimes we abide by the rules – especially if we see some advantage to them. But for the most – we begrudgingly fall into step. And, of course – sometimes we rebel.
This rebellion will usually be in the form of arguments, but a glance at your morning paper will demonstrate that sometimes these turn into something more serious. And the reason for this? Because we choose to be with someone we see as being in need of renovation.
The thing is though – we are not buildings. We can’t be purchased, gutted and then fitted with new floorboards, plasterboards, cupboards and fittings and then given a fresh coat of paint. We’re just not like that. We are people. And we have feelings. And they can be hurt.
So, if you’re blissfully single at the moment – think hard before you marry a renovation project. It’ll be much better for all parties of you instead pick someone who you like. And this doesn’t necessarily mean choosing someone who is good looking. Make sure that you plump for someone who you can talk to. Someone who understands you. Someone who you understand in return.
If you can do that, I hope that I will see you in years to come, sitting by a window, eating breakfast with your partner. And when I smile at you and wave frantically to catch your attention – you won’t even notice me, because you’ll be so engrossed in a conversation with the love of your life. And you will have a lovely big smile written all over your face.
And when I see this, I will smile too – because we all know that happiness is contagious, right?
And if you’re already married then don’t despair. Here’s something to try: accept your partner for who they are – warts and all. And do you know what? You might just see a big smile appear on their face too!
Never tried to change my ex husband. There was no point. He was who he was. The trick is to accept who they are and unconditionally love them anyway. But don’t take my word for that, my marriage fell apart.
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But that’s what I was saying – unconditional love! 🙂
(sorry to hear that)
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To find someone who accepts you exactly the way you are, not the way they want you to be: that’s more of a blessing than winning the lottery. Unless it’s more than 10 million USD, that is. 😉
Very insightful, helpful post. Hope at least a few of your readers heed the excellent advice you’ve offered.
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Yeah, ten mil can buy you a lot of … well, a lot of most things I suppose! 😀
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Lots and lots of fake friendships, but who needs those, right? 😁
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No, Drake – we don’t like those at all. 🙂
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Drake? Don’t know him. 😉
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If you’re joking – hahahaha! 😀
If you’re serious – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fake_Love
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Way to cover both bases! 😁
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It’s almost as if I know you! 🙂
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Fancy that. 😉
As far as Canadian musicians go, I prefer Rush (yes, I know … before my time).
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Rush! You gotta be kidding me! Really? Ha – well who’d have thought that! 😀
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Surprised? 😁 Not all their stuff though. Freewill is one of my favourite songs.
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Considering that I am listening to Endtroducing by DJ Shadow as I type this, I have no right whatsoever to comment on anyone’s musical taste! 🙂
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Erm … okay. 😉
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… exactly!
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I listened to The Corrs – the whole performance at Lansdowne Road back in 2000 – today. (Just an aside – yes, I’m off on a tangent again. 😉)
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Listen to this …
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Is that you snoring??
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Should have explained – I meant that I added an audiofile to the end of Once Upon a Princess Fair.
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Hahaha – oops. (Yes, you made me laugh out loud just now.)
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So long as you didn’t snort coffee out of your nose onto your keyboard you’re doing fine. 🙂
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You know I don’t drink coffee in the afternoon/evening. Snort? How unladylike! 😉
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ha!
zzz is the only sound from me for the rest of your day. 🙂
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Nope, I’ll be listening to your recording, so there. 😊
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Oh no you won’t! Mixcloud deleted it because it’s too short. 🙂
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Oh, too bad. ☹
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It featured feedback and misharmonised guitar work – no great loss. 😉
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Practice makes better, right? 😉
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🤑😂
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Many people try to change their partners into who they really want. You’re speaking truth this morning, Robert!
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Thanks for reading, Linda.
You have a lovely blog. 🙂
I hope you have a lovely day too. 😉
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lol magarisa re winning the lottery. Robert, it’s so true! Too many settle while trying to change their partner. Why? You are you and they are them. Take your time, decide the pros and cons and whether you can live with the “cons” and go from there. If you are easily frustrated or can’t stand the negatives then move on. Grow up and accept. Then choose a partner. Life will be simpler and happier. It’s called unconditional love. Seeing the others flaws as they see yours and accepting and dealing!
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Sounds like you speak from sweet (or maybe bitter) experience there, my friend. I guess that unconditional love is so much easier if you choose someone with the right conditions for love. 🙂
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That’s true enough.
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Nice, deep, meaningful….
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Cheers, mi dears! (idiomatic way of saying thankyou) 🙂
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This kind of works for friendship too, you know…
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Certainly true. Probably works for cockroaches and rats too. Maybe. What do you think? 🙂
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I think you are right. Expectations…. And thinking that the other is made of clay, can be easily moulded
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We’re not made to be mouldable by others. Only by ourselves.
It’s almost like we’re not made to fit into fridges! 🙂
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It was your idea Mister
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Chocolate was my idea.
Not sure about the blood!
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The mud and the blood. I improve ideas
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You improve them and you even rhyme your improvements. You should totally pass that on to your defence lawyer! 🙂
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Good idea! I sure will. Thanks
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Life’s too short to live on eggshells and worry about disappointing or letting someone else down. It’s strange how we accept “flaws” in friends but in partners, some can’t. just a thought.
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Perhaps it’s easier to accept flaws in friends because we can choose when to spend time with them (a little or a lot), whereas with partners, that choice is not always there?
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Look before you leap or commit? Then you are aware of all they offer and you offer and what you can live with and without
Without.?????
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======
without
left out
cold out
without
======
Do we ever consider how it feels to be left without? I mean, from the other person’s point of view? How can we not give warmth?
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True! I have to agree
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Why don’t we all just work on ourselves and accept others for whom they are? Wouldn’t that be peaceful?
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Ah yes – that would be so so perfect! Spread the word. 🙂
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Will do!
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Fantastic post! The moment I felt my ex-husband and I couldn’t be our true selves, I told him we needed to divorce. We did and I met my current husband (meanwhile for 13.5 years married 🙂 ) and he told me very early in the relationship: ‘Hi, I am J and do as I please’. I responded: ‘Marvelous, me too’. Works perfectly up to today 🙂
You can’t change another person, you shouldn’t want too.
Again, great post Robert.
XxX
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You need to start giving me lessons on how to live, Patty! Seriously.
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Live and let be…or something like that 😉 XxX
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Sounds good. 🙂
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