There are things lurkin’ and these are, by name:
- Battery came from Poundshop, which is strange because he came in a pack that cost two pounds. They were originally meant to drive a whole slew of audio-books that I was going to borrow from the library, but I changed my mind about them and so the batteries are looking for a new purpose. They don’t actually actively do this. They just sit where they are looking rather disconsolate (that’s a lie because they’re actually quite content to sit there and I know that not because they told me so (because that would be mad!) but because they don’t move and anything that doesn’t move is either dead or content). They are not dead. By the same token, they do not search the internet for things like ‘how to have a happy life’.
- Plasticine was a thing of Christmas. It sits there teasing me. It wants me to build something cute, but I find that things that are clean and unmixed and straight and flat and in square(ish) shapes are as cute as they need to be without me dickin’ about with them and getting that plasticiny smell all over my fingers. You remember the smell? Was you young once? Did you play? Did you ever get your hands more mucky than they are now? Put down your phone, go outside and slide your hands into the earth. Yeah, I know it’s cold and wet and it gets under your fingernails. That’s the joy of it. And no, I still don’t want to open the Plasticine.
- Ruler inhabited this drawer before me. I use it sometimes to draw lines. One of the best ring-tones I’ve heard is the sound of ruler being twanged on the edge of a desk. It wasn’t this ruler but it was one of its brothers. Rulers don’t have a gender. I’ve turned them over to check. Nothing to see. Do you think that I can say anything else interesting about a ruler? Well …
- Post-it happened quite recently. There was another drawer and there was a person that owned that drawer and then that person left and suddenly all those things became free to take away and … oaky, yeah, I’m bored with post-its too, roo.
- Fork arrived with a salad. They both came from M&S, which is short for Marks & Spencer. The salad became compost and I’m not going to tell you the process whereby it became thus. The fork is waiting for the next salad. There’s a bottle of dressing lurking. Lurk, my dressing bottle, lurk, for thou shalt be rewarded.
- Smiley is a thing from the era of bookcrossing.com. I used to be part of a club that swapped books and chitted and chatted while they did that. I wasn’t really into the chit-chat so I stopped going to the club, but I know where they keep their books and so sometimes I sneak in and make off with a tome or two. Well, who wouldn’t?
- Salt comes from rocks but when it comes in little packets it comes from MacDonald’s or M&S or some other place where you can get hot fries. There are some places where you can buy hot fries but that don’t give you sachets of salt to take away (just in case (there’s not enough salt (on them))) and so it’s useful to keep a sachet or two with you. Which means that perhaps I should put this salt in my bag. Okay, maybe later.
- Slogan sleeps with his mates. He is from 2011. I’m stuck on the 24th and 25th of September, which reads ‘Time is money, money is the root of all evil and knowledge is power. Therefore procrastination is the key to world peace.’ I’m waiting until I understand this before I tear it off and unite it with its brothers. Slogans also don’t have gender.
- Bookmark didn’t want to stay in the book after I finished it, because those books tend to go away, and I didn’t want bookmark to go away, so I put it to rest until another one (book, that is) comes along. I read 108 per year and so there may not be a long wait.
- Bag the small, the plastic, the soon to be banned as a single use item. Enough said.
- Calculator isn’t the first of his kind. There was a death. Calculators do not live forever. Let’s have a moment of silence for that dead calculator. ( ) Okay, that’s enough of that.
- Instructions wrap around a razor-blade. I don’t know what the instructions are for, but it would be easy to find out if I developed an interest. There is writing on the instructions (in my fair hand) that says (something like) razor-blade. That’s so that I don’t get cut. If I get cut, do I not bleed? Well, mostly. The last time I cut myself it was so shallow that not a drop of blood was shed. This in contrast to the last time I picked up an overnight bag and pricked myself on a staple that was projecting from a seam. One single drop of blood was shed. I licked it from my finger, took that drop into my mouth and then swallowed it. Does this mean that I’m no longer a vegetarian? Am I now a cannibal?!
- Protector took birth at the behest (not bequest) of Microsoft. They then bequeathed (not beheathed) it to me. Yeah, you have every right to wonder what I’m talking about. (C’mon Robert, nearly done.) It’s a little wallet that you keep your credit cards in that has the property of being scan-proof. That is to say: you cannot have the RFID in your credit card scanned in such a way that it can be cloned and used to buy salads from M&S. Whew … done.