Before you try to slam a door you must make sure that these things are in place:
- There is a window or a door open somewhere else
- You have sustenance in the room you’ll find yourself (alone) in
- You have an escape route in case things go very wrong.
Open Window or Door. As anyone who has experimented with door slamming knows – you simply can’t get a good, satisfying bang from a door if there’s nowhere for the air to go. If you live in a house with no ventilation then trying to slam a door effectively is impossible because the air resistance will stop the door from travelling fast enough to hit the frame hard. You’ll get a kind of a foofing noise rather than the banging noise you crave. And let’s be honest here – a foof is never a true expression of what you feel when you want to slam a door. On the other hand, if you leave a window or door open elsewhere in the house then often a door will go ahead and slam itself. And then you’ll get to know the effect from both sides of the argument – you’ll be startled and you will startle your companion. Win-win!
Sustenance. When you slam a door you put a barrier between yourself and the person you’re trying to impress with the loud bang. It could be that they are in the house and you have stormed off to your bedroom and slammed the door to your room. Make sure that you have food stashed in the back of the wardrobe if you do this, because you’re going to be very hungry very soon if not. The ideal door to slam is, of course, the kitchen door. You have to make sure that you’re on the correct side of the door in this case. Clue: it’s the one with the cupboards full of food. This is also good advice in the event of the upcoming (and inevitable judging by the way things are going) Zombie Apocalypse. There’s simply no sense in locking yourself in a cellar leaving the zombies to rampage through the rest of the house. Same goes for slamming yourself into the cellar; unless it happens to be the wine and cheese cellar, of course.
Escape Route. There’s nothing worse than slamming yourself into a place of safety-and-sulk and staying there for hours and hours convinced that you can’t come out because the other person is still somewhere else in the house waiting to pounce on you if you come out, only to find, when you eventually emerge, that the companion whose face you have slammed the door into has gone out for pizza ages ago and left you to your own devices. Make sure that you have a window in your room that you can climb out of so that you can go and get your own pizza. The observant amongst you will have noticed that this advice also works for the Zombie Apocalypse. Do not imagine that the zombies are still stumbling around outside your room clacking their teeth together in anticipation of eating your brains. No – they have nipped out to get pizza while you sit on your bed creasing up your forehead in anxious rage.
If you think about it – a couple of these very important rules for slamming doors don’t just work on a physical level – they are also very effective on a mental level too. Here’s what I do when I have thoughts that just won’t frick off when I tell them to:
- Go to another part of my mind
- Slam the door
Okay, perhaps a little explanation is in order.
Think about a screaming baby. Turn up the volume of the screaming of the imaginary baby. Maybe pull its toe or something. Get the screaming to a very high pitch using whatever tricks you have at your disposal. Now try to get the baby to stop screaming (without harming it. I mean – yeah, this is still an imaginary baby, but you don’t want to get into any bad habits just in case they come out at an inconvenient time and you find yourself dangling your sister’s baby by its ankle whilst whipping its chubby little legs with a leaf you’ve plucked from a nearby houseplant.) Ahem – anyway – the point is that getting your imaginary baby to stop screaming is not as easy as it sounds.
Here’s the thing: your imaginary baby is the thought that you just can’t silence. Or, to be more exact in this case, it’s your entire mind. The baby is your mind and the screaming is your thought. Now, can anyone tell me a fail-safe way to stop a baby screaming? Yes, that right – give it some candy! As soon as you give your mind-baby something to distract it then it quietens straight away. In effect you are swapping a scream for a gurgle of pleasure. And the analogy holds for the mind too: what you’re doing is exchanging an unpleasant thought for one that is sweeter and more satisfying (forget that you’ll probably get a headache when the sugar-rush wears off; we’ll worry about that later). Here are some examples of pleasant thoughts: something that you like, something entertaining, something informative, something novel, something exciting or something perverse (never underestimate the power of perversity to distract).
But what’s this got to do with slamming doors, I hear you cry! Well, nothing really, but writing this is a great way for me to pass a few idle minutes at lunchtime. Actually, no – I jest. It’s got everything to do with doors. Imagine you have something unpleasant in one room (or part of your mind) and something pleasant in another part of your mind (or room) – what’s the best thing to do in that case? Well duh – you go in the room with the pleasant thing and slam the door as hard as you frickin’ well can in the face of the unpleasant thing! You’re then free to brood for as long as you like, providing you have snacks (pizza) or a way to go and get them.
Thing is though – if you go towards something pleasant then you’ll find pretty soon that you’ll stop brooding. You’ll then be enjoying yourself to your little heart’s content! Picture the scene – you laid on your bed watching your favourite show with an empty pizza box by your side. Belch a little, rub your tummy contentedly and smile, mo’fricker; you’ve got it made!