If’n I was a Nana

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If’n I was a nana then you couldn’t be allowed to eat me because that’d be, like, cannibalism or something and I wouldn’t want that on your conscience. I’m nice like that. If’n you insisted on eating me then the karmic catastrophe would be all down to you and so that’d be alright and so I’d have to start with you having a sharp knife and cutting my head off. You’d have to do that to kill me dead so that none of the rest hurt or shamed me at all. Like, if you peeled me first then you’d see my naked insides and they’re too soft to be seen without the protection of my skin and then, after the skin comes off and I see your mouth moving towards me with those teeth you have that go snicker snack on my softness, well that’d be kind of painful so that along with the shame of my nudity you’d have to watch the pain of me being ground to a pulp and it’s a good job that that’d kill me deader than dead because I’d then have to slide down your throat piece by chewed up piece and then to go into your stomach which, as we all know, is full of the kind of acid that digests things up so that they become tiny, tiny pieces that are like molecules or cells or something like that (but not atoms because they are too small to be viable) and then I’d go even further into you, like, through your stomach lining and into your actual body via the blood stream and you know how squeamish I am about blood and so that wouldn’t do now would it? Wait, don’t answer that because I’m going to tell you the answer and it’s No. But then again, what happens next would be kinda cool because, working on the principle that you are what you eat, you’d become a nana, which would be the universe having the ultimate revenge on you because then you’d be something in a fruit bowl that someone would be able to eat in turn – so, HA!

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