This was going to be an episode for a podcast I set up for a Green Group (you know, one with members that are into ecologically friendly living) but one of the member told me, in no uncertain terms that she didn’t like the way that I do podcast episodes. So, long and short of it is that I took all my episodes so far (two of them) off the podcast and replaced them with some other stuff that some other member of the Green Group had sent to me. Ironic really, because one of the episodes I took down still has the most listens off all time even though it’s not even been there for the past several weeks. Not that I’m bitter and twisted about it you understand. I’m just saying. Anyway, this is what I would have recorded next. It would have been an episode where someone interviews me. And I’d be posing as a thing that green people are interested in not destroying; you know, like the sky or a tree or the ocean or the climate or the weather or something like that. Let’s say that I chose to be a tree. It’d go something like this:
Interviewer: So, Mister .. ah .. Tree …
Me (as a tree): Call me Sisal.
Interviewer: Okay, Cecil. This …
Me (as a tree): Nah, not Cecil. It’s Sisal. As in, the tree. Not the person. I’m not a person, remember?
Interviewer: Okay. Sorry. Erm – so, Mr .. um. sorry .. Sisal. Did I get that right?
Me (as a tree): You did.
Interviewer: Good. So, Sisal, this is an interview designed to discover your preferences when it comes to how you like people to treat you. As a tree. Like, if you were a tree .. em .. sorry .. you’re a tree, Sisal and I’d like to ask you .. stuff.
Me (as a tree): First time doing an interview?
Interviewer: Ah, no, I did a whole bunch of them before. At college. But those were with humans, y’know?
Me (as a tree): So this is your first one with a tree.
Me (as a tree): Okay, so let me give you a tip that I think’ll help you out here.
Me (as a tree): Okay. Here we go: just be yourself.
Interviewer: That’s it?
Me (as a tree): Yup. That’s it.
Interviewer: Kinda ironic don’t you think?
Me (as a tree): Why’s that now?
Interviewer: Well, you .. erm .. that is, you’re pretending to be a tree.
Me (as a tree): Pretending? No, man; I am a tree.
Interviewer: Ah, look, I know that for this interview and all that I’ve got to interview you as if you were a tree, but, truth be known, you’re not even green.
Me (as a tree): I am so. I recycle everything!
Interviewer: Like, how?
Me (as a tree): I put them in the correct container and I put them our for the the council to collect.
Interviewer: And what kind of a tree do you think does that every single week?
Me (as a tree): It’s bi-weekly.
Interviewer: Whatever. My point is that trees don’t do that. They usually just stand in the garden and, you know, like, wave their branches about in the breeze and rustle their green leaves. You don’t have any of those things.
Me (as a tree): Well that’s not my fault is it. I’m doing this without a budget! Like, no money at all. You don’t get much for no money, you know!
Interviewer: Pssh, not my department.
Me (as a tree): Yeah, sure, granted, but that’s why.
Interviewer: Why what?
Me (as a tree): Why I’m not green in the sense that you mean when you tell me I’m not green.
Interviewer: Okay, tell you what, let’s just do the best we can, okay.
Me (as a tree): Ahem. Okay. Go for it. But let’s pretend a bit better than you have been doing that I’m a tree. Okay?
Me (as a tree): So …
Interviewer: Oh, yeah. So, as a tree, what do you want people to do differently?
Me (as a tree): Good question. I want them to stop doing stuff that hurts the soil. Not bothered about the air. They can pump as much carbon into it as they want. Hell, I eat that stuff up for dinner.
Interviewer: Midnight snack.
Me (as a tree): What?
Interviewer: You would eat it for midnight snacks. In the daytime you eat oxygen, remember?
Me (as a tree): Oh, yeah. Nice catch.
Interviewer: Thanks. So, that’s all we have time for now. Sisal wants you to stop doing things that hurt the soil, right?
Me (as a tree): Yup
Interviewer: Cool. Well, that’s it then. Thanks, Sisal.
Me (as a tree): It’s cool. Have a good one.
Interviewer: You too
Me (as a tree): Dick,
Me (as a tree): Oh, is that your name? I kinda meant ..
Interviewer: I know what you meant. We’re done here.
Me (as a tree): Yup.
Interviewer: So done.
Me (as a tree): Hmm. Okay.
Interviewer: So very, very done.
Me (as a tree): Okay, got it. Very, very, very.