i have a conscience but it doesn’t bite me

defining scene of my life as a heartless bar steward? dunno really. you mean, like, as if I was in a movie? like i was the star in the movie of my own life? okay, okay, let me think.

got it.

i was in a building with my mate marvin. he was being a proper knob about something or other and so i pushed him down the stairs. he ended up in a coma and he ain’t come out of it yet. that kind of defines me. not the pushing part, but the fact that i don’t give rat’s arse about him. he can stay in a coma for the rest of his life if he likes; i just don’t care.

i do wish, though. that i had a life without violence. i don’t really think it’s the best solution for life’s problems. i don’t be violent for fun. it just happens. it’s just a natural consequence of my unique personality. i mean, sure, it turns me on a little, but that’s just a by-product; not a cause.

hold on, i got to take this.


yeah, that’s me.

yeah, i suppose i would have been. not no more; all that’s by the by.

he woke up?



what’s that?

no, i’m okay.

no, i’m fine thanks. goodbye.


well would you look at that; marvin’s woke up. shall we go to visit him?

nah, it’s just around the corner from here. we can be there in about three minutes. two if you take off those heels.

okay, three it is.

what do you mean looking forward to meet him. we’ve known each other since we was babies so i guess we don’t really have much to catch up on. unless, of course, he’s had some particularly interesting dream to tell us about.

me? well, I ain’t got much to tell him really.

you? what about you!

nah, nah, it was only last week he went comatose. we ain’t met since then.

dunno. like i said, it just didn’t seem important enough to tell you. and i’ve had a lot on mi mind, babes, what with the wedding coming up and all of that.

what do you mean ‘call it off’! what’s …

but you already knew I was heartless! and it’s not as if you actually know marvin! you can’t miss what you never had now can you!

well we’re here now. at least come and say hi to marvin. he’s a nice bloke. like i say, i’ve known him all my life. the stories i could tell you about him.

yeah, i suppose he could tell you some stuff about me too.

great, let’s go see him then. after you, princess.

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