I see faces all over the place. Some of them are happy, some of them sad, some of them look pretty benign and others look positively bad, but none of are randomly emotioned; because they all take their cues from me.
When I feel grim I see little hobgoblin faces in the wallpaper. When my mood is light, I see grinning faces in the cornflakes. Petulance brings frowns in the architecture and anger cancels out all the angels in the cloudy shapes floating across the sky. In short, I’m in charge of what I see around me. My moods dictate how the world appears.
I’ve never really thought about it much. It’s just a cute little diagnostic tool to tell me how I feel. It doesn’t affect anyone else and it doesn’t make the the world a better (or worse) place. It’s just a thing.
Anyway, that’s all I got time for today. I need to clean my teeth now. Cornflakes don’t half gamm them up.
I see the signs from this bench: the house behind me was recently sold by Ashtons; there are road works 300 yards away on the main road; the speed limit is 40mph on that same main road; and Alwyne Drive leads to Alwyne Grove. Anyone here know what an alwyne is?
I do. Apparently it’s an elf. Or perhaps a magical friend. It’s also a girl’s name. So maybe we’re talking about girl elves being just up the drive from here?
Thing is, though, I know that there’s not much of a grove up that drive. If there is it’s in someone’s front garden. Yeah, that’s right, there’s nothing but houses up there.
Across the road, though, is a whole other kettle of starlings. You see those trees? Well behind there are fields and fields and more fields that stretch right down to the river Ouse. There are also trees there, most of them politely standing at the edges of the fields, but I imagine that a few of them have conspired to form the odd grove or two.
I’ve got a phone call appointment with an NHS professional on the 24th September. Hopefully they’ll be able to tell over the phone whether the irregular brown patch on the side of my head is skin cancer or not. Do you think I should buzz-cut my hair to make it easier for them to do their diagnosis over the phone?
I haven’t seen any squirrels near this bench but that doesn’t mean they’re not …
This is an emergency list of things to say between songs on my radio show (www.5townsradio.co.uk). I’ll add to this as the week goes on. These are only took be used when I run out of things to say off the top of my head:
There’s going to be another Topical Quiz. The last one went really well so just go for that format.
And, of course, I’ll read another story from my blog.
Blogging. My experience of how to make a blog moderately successful and my thought on how to make it fly.
Wall at the end of the universe. Potato.
Little Simz (Simbiatu Abisola Abiola Ajikawo) is a rapper.
The deer at the top of our garden. Where did it go? Where do deer sleep at night?
Safety at work. Three day course. Risk assessment on making a cup of tea.
Why we do what our parents did even though we didn’t like it when they did it. Chicken in short pan. Following a river into a tunnel in waders.
A meditation experience. Enlightenment feels like sneezing, falling asleep, orgasm, an oxygen rush.
Um and Ahs and introducing what I’m going to say before I say it. Being meta.
The experience of being on a train and the thoughts it entails and the movie that could be made from it (if only we could have enough interesting thoughts to fill an hour and a half. The experience of making a podcast. The ability to talk for a while without stopping while only relying on what’s in one’s mind. And the funny things that a mind thinks when it’s made to.
Fruit trees and bushes. Blackberries this morning.
Like I say, I’ll keep adding to the list. Ideas are welcome.
Songs to Play:
Take Me to your Leader by Joan as Police Woman x Tony Allen x Dave Okumu
Solid Air by John Martyn
Vossi Bop by Stormzy
Sensoria by Cabaret Voltaire
Havana by Camila Cabello
Touch by Little Mix
Offence by Little Simz
You Need to Calm Down by Taylor Swift
Ego by Porij
traitor by Olivia Rodrigo
Love Yourself by Justin Bieber
Crank It by George Kwali and Kideko
Pat Earrings by CASisDEAD
Don’t Wanna by HAIM
I Love You, I Hate You by Little Simz
Summer of Love by Shawn Mendes and Tainy
Strike a Pose by Young T & Bugsey
Shivers by Ed Sheeran
This is America by Childish Gambino
Unforgettable by French Montana
Fair Trade by Drake
Kiss My by Anne-Marie and Little Mix
Woman by Doja Cat
Clash (feat. Stormy) by Dave
Your Girlfriend by Blossoms
3 Nights by Dominic Fike
Alone by Rag’n’Bone Man
Old Town Road (feat. Billy Ray Cyrus) by Lil Nas X
Remember by Becky Hill and David Guetta Feel It Still by Portugal The Man Kiss My (Uh Oh) (feat. Little Mix) by Anne-Marie Bad Habits by Ed Sheeran Panic Room by Au/Ra & CamelPhat Talk About by DJ Craig Gorman & Rain Radio Need To Know by Doja Cat Crying In The Club by Camila Cabello Wild Thoughts (feat. Rihanna & Bryson Tiller) by DJ Khalid Mood Ring by Lorde Out Out (feat. Charli XCX & Saweetie) by Joel Corry and Jax Jones Dynamite by BTS Mood (feat. iann dior) by 24kGoldn Piano Banana by Krystal Klear Rinse & Repeat (feat. Kah-Lo) by Riton Just for me by PinkPantheress Take My Breath by The Weeknd Midnight (The Hanging Tree) by H.O.S.H. & 1979 Rumors (feat. Cardi B) by Lizzo How Can I Make It OK? by Wolf Alice Good Girls by CHVRCHES Crown by Stormzy Jesus Walks by Kanye West Turn Down For What (feat. Lil Jon) by DJ Snake Cry For You by September Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish Higher Love by Kygo vs Whitney Houston Paradise by George Ezra Boyz N Da Club by Shermanology Stay by The Kid LAROI & Justin Bieber Medicine by Bring Me The Horizon Eastside (feat. Khalid & Halsey) by Benny Blanco I Love You, I Hate You by Little Simz If You Ever Leave, I’m Coming With You by The Wombats Come Together by Franky Wah INDUSTRY BABY (feat. Jack Harlow) by Lil Nas X Be Honest (feat. Burna Boy) by Jorja Smith Be Free by Rathbone Place Psycho by Maisie Peters One Kiss by Calvin Harris & Dua Lipa Better Days by Dermot Kennedy Your Girlfriend by Blossoms
One of them dropped an f-bomb on the audience, which wasn’t good. The whole show is going to be repeated in Saturday night from 7pm if you want to listen again.
Quiz based on stuff that’s been in the news this week. I used it on my live radio show on 5 Towns Radio (www.5townsradio.co.uk) tonight. The contestant this week got absolutely none of them correct – nil pwon. See if you can do better …
Which eighteen year old British women’s tennis player made it to the semi-finals of the US Open this week?
Which of the following didn’t make it onto the Royal Mail’s new issue of 18 stamps featuring DC Comics heroes and villains – Spider-Man or Wonder Woman?
Who officially became Great Britain’s most successful Paralympian as of this week?
A rare birth took place at a Sri Lankan animal reserve where were twins were born – but which animal species are they? (Giraffe, Hippo, Elephant or Lion)
Which country announced that they were limiting the gaming time for children to 1 hour on Fridays, weekends and holidays?
Which artist just broke the record for the most monthly listens on Spotify? (Beyoncé, Justin Bieber, Ed Sheeran, Arianna Grande)
Cristiano Ronaldo just returned to Manchester United from Juventus and then broke the men’s international scoring record. Who had previously held it? (Edinson Cavani, of Uruguay, Ali Daei, of Iran, Soh Chin Ann, of Malaysia)
Pigeons have been in the headlines. But what were they being blamed for?
Kim Kardashian set tongues wagging by attending a “listening party” for the new album, Donda, by her soon-to-be-ex-husband Kanye West, by wearing what?
After his first-round loss to Stefanos Tsitsipas (left) in tennis’s US Open, Andy Murray criticised his opponent for taking too long to do what? (take his first serve, talk to his coach, go to the toilet)
Neil Fachie won a gold medal for Great Britain at the Paralympics. What did his wife Lora do an hour after Neil won his medal?
New figures show that the number of people in England waiting to start routine hospital treatment has risen to a new record high. What is the estimated number? 5.6 million, 560 thousand or 56 thousand.
Which major fast food chain have just announced that they will be trialling a Vegan Burger in selected outlets at the end of this month?
Emma Raducanu (RadooKaanoo)
Spider-Man (Marvel Comics)
Sarah Storey (Swimming and Cycling)
Elephant (The male twins were born in Sri Lankan orphanage which is the first time in 80 years)
China (China brought in the law. The country already had strict limits on how long under-18s could access online games. In 2019, children were restricted to playing games for up to three hours during holiday periods or 1.5 hours on other days)
Justin Bieber (The pop star had a massive 83.3 million streams over the last month, breaking a new record for the highest number of monthly listeners, ever! The record was previously held by Ariana Grande)
It’s Ali Daei, who scored 109 goals for Iran between 1993 and 2006
It’s the broadband outages. Prof Alan Woodward, a beta-tester for the new service provided by entrepreneur Elon Musk’s Starlink satellites, said it had mostly been working well. However, he noticed outages “some [lasting] a second, others longer”, which he put down to “pesky pigeons” sitting on the satellite dish on his kitchen roof.
A wedding dress (Kardashian, who has filed for divorce, prompted speculation of a reconciliation by appearing in the Balenciaga gown during the song No Child Left Behind)
It was using the toilet. After Tsitsipas stopped play for an eight-minute comfort break during their match, Murray pithily commented it took twice as long for the Greek to go the bathroom as it took US billionaire Jeff Bezos to reach space.
She also won a gold medal for Great Britain at the Paralympics.
The number of people waiting for hospital treatment in England has hit a record high of 5.61 million, as the NHS struggles to clear the growing backlog of care caused by Covid-19.
McDonald’s has said it is to start selling a vegan burger in the UK and Ireland after years of research to perfect it. The McPlant burger will be trialled in 10 Coventry restaurants from late September and go national next year.
Prepare Beforehand: Trying to juggle too many things at once can result in mistakes. Structure your time by preparing beforehand so you can produce the best shows possible.
Be Authentic: People like to listen to presenters that come across as genuine. Be proud of who you are and where you came from. You may not appeal to everyone, but at least your authentic and broadcast with confidence.
Talk to One Person: Engage with your listeners by presenting your shows like you’re talking to a friend. For example, “I hope you had a good weekend! We’ve got some awesome tracks coming your way soon, so stay tuned!”.
Have Something to Say: No one wants to listen to a boring person. As a radio personality, you should have something to say. Be passionate on-air to engage with your listeners.
Air Check Shows: Once you have finished a broadcast, go back and listen to what was said. What went well and what didn’t? Address these issues next time you are on air.
I’ve spoken to as many of the other presenters on the radio station that would reply to my email in which I begged for tips (about a dozen of them replied with some really useful stuff.
I’ve worked out how much time I have to speak between each song (somewhere between 40 secs and 2.5 minute depending on how many songs I want to play per hour (between 10 and 17 depending on how much talking I can come up with)).
And I’ve started writing out a list of 30 one-word prompts:
Yeah, that needs a little work, but I’ve got all day tomorrow to do that. It’s just a question of distilling the essence of the above and the emails from the other presenters. Easy.
Research (So, I survived the zombie apocalypse and all I got was this podcast by Chris Freeman)
Relax/Enjoy (The History Man and Her (John and Kay))