Draft Heaven

I love writing! I write for hours and hours and hours and never lose the thrill. Who wouldn’t want to have godlike powers to create and dispose on a whim!

Editing my writing, though – that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of frogs. It’s difficult for me to want to keep changing my beautiful prose.

So, without further ado, here are my aims for a perfect revising session:

  • First Draf – remove all grammatical and spelling mistakes from my writing
  • Second Amendment – remove offense so that no-one wants to bear arms
  • Third Raft – it’s around about now that I want to escape from my desk
  • Fourth Draught – alter my prose so that it doesn’t chill me to the bone
  • Fifth Daft – make sure there are no inadvertent funnies in my work
  • Sick Draft – fixing everything up before I lose my will to live
  • Seventh Draft – yeah, dream on – it’s good enough. Done.

Alternatively – maybe I could get a job as a garbage worker. You just gotta love that disco rice!

disco ball

Funny Story

Although there’s nothing funny about the sun, when you play with the word and make it seem like you’re talking about the son, it finds people’s teeth and makes them show up, not to mention crinkling up their eyes in a beguiling way.

This is a joke that only works if you say it. So I’m not sure why I’m bothering to let you read it because it won’t be funny at all.

So, I was walking down the street and the sun was strong. So straight away you’re thinking about the heat from the sun, right? But then I say – he was carrying my shopping bags for me, this twists it around completely and makes you laugh uproariously. Hahahahah! Yes?

I must be in one of those moods where I’m just wanting to say things for the sake of nothing. I’ll stop now. It’s time for bed anyway. Goodnight.

How to Stay Alive

This is a challenging world and we’re living through dangerous times. People die all the time and it’s good that you’re reading this, because that means you haven’t joined their ranks.

Here are a few essential tips on how to stay alive:

  • Keep breathing
  • Eat food
  • Drink.

Okay – that should keep you going for now.

No, of course I’m not drunk!

Chicken and Chips

Bought some corn chips in Germany and they were foul. The rest of the packet has been sitting in the cupboard for the longest time. No-one wants to eat them.

When sparrows, blackbirds, pigeons, magpies, robins and other feathered critters come into the garden to eat worms, berries, stale bread or other types of bird food, the joke is that they are ‘chickens’. Food is sometimes put out for the chickens.

Today, in the garden, you can see Chicken and Chips. *giggle*

Aw, c’mon – I thought it was funny!

*sigh*

Suck Out The Poison

You are mine
The seed of my mind
The sought and the found
I was fraught and now I bind
Myself
To you
Who art my soul
Who makes me whole
With your sweet words
Of …

AAARGHH! Get it off me!! Urgh, urgh. Ow!!
Bloody hell, the bugger’s stung me!
Look at that! A wasp sting!
Vicious little creature!
Hate them so much!
Squash it, squash it!
Too late – it’s gone now.
Come and suck the poison out now.
Yeah, yeah – I can finish the poem later, just suck!

Good Living With Zombies

Tips on how to live successfully in a zombie-infested world:

  • erm …
  • Well, there’s …
  • Hmm.
  • Wait – I KNOW, I KNOW!! Be very quiet.
  • And live in a tree. Zombies don’t climb trees.
  • Better still, live in a forest – then you can make walkways between trees.
  • And you should have traps that only an idiot would fall into. Just in case.
  • And … you should be, like, vegetarian, or better still – vegan. Grow stuff.
  • It’d be really good if you were hyper-vigilant. Safer that way, ya know?
  • And quiet. Did I mention quiet?
  • Yeah. You’ll be fine with that.
  • Oh, and one last thing – make sure you have a good book with you. I mean – it’s going to be really boring, right? Maybe consider having two books.

There you go. Have fun!

Things the Swiss Alps Taught Me

Swiss Alps

Here are some things I learnt recently whilst walking in the Swiss Alps:

  • It is unprofitable to lead if you do not know the way.
  • The slowest walker sets the pace.
  • When you’re wrong, you’re wrong – even when you’re right.

And on a slightly different note – the tour guide, on the way up into the mountains, pointed to the left and said, “… and this will be the last thing you will see.” A few seconds later, he followed this up with, “… a great many people die here.”

I was left hoping that those two statements were not, in any way, connected!