Time Machine

Imagine you’ve got a time machine – what kind of voice will it have.

Well, it’s be configurable. It’d have setting like the tills have in M&S or Poundland so that you can have a bit of a ‘ho, ho, ho’ at Christmas or a touch of Elvis whenever you feel like it. If I was fortunate enough to be the one to configure the voice of a time machine then I’d steal the machine and go forward in time and win the lottery then go back in time with the money and buy a whole set of shares for myself like Amazon and Tesla and all those companies that are doing well right now. Then I’d bring the machine back and give it the voice of Jesus Christ (our saviour). And they’d all be, like, who’s this? And I’d be, like, it’s JC, man! Don’t you recognise him? And they be, like, yeah, the Aramaic totally gave it away, but, Dude – I was thinking you’d be better to go for something more recognisable – like Thomas the Tank Engine.

How to Win at Football

I was listening to a football* match the other day and one of the players was called Schindler. He happened to be on the opposition team, but I remember thinking that I wanted him to do well because he saved all those Jews from the Nazis in that movie – Schindler’s List.

And that’s when I had the idea of how to assemble the most popular football team in the world.

This team would be supported by everyone and, as you well know – a team that has their fans behind them, urging them on, is absolutely unstoppable.

Here’s how to do it. Have each of the players in your team, regardless of their ability, change their name, officially, to one that is famously popular.

So, for example, you could have, amongst others – Pope John Paul & The Buddha in defence, Mahatma Ghandi & The Dalai Lama in midfield and Martin Luther King Jr. & Shah Rukh Khan as strikers. Of course, Jesus Christ would be in goal, primarily because he has a reputation for saving on a regular basis.

It doesn’t matter which sport you pick – this principle will apply to all. So, whose name would you adopt for your favourite team player?
*Some of y’all, in other parts of the world, might know The Glorious Game as Soccer. You’d be wrong, of course, but that can’t be helped.