To love and to fear to lose is not to love at all. Abandon yourself in love. Fall to your knees. Lose love, And you will gain. You will fill yourself up. You will harmonise with the universe.
What the heck?
Sometimes (most of the time) I have no idea where I’m going with my words. In fact, they’re not even my words because they just flow into sight like a boat on a river of emptiness. My mind, in fact, is an empty mess. No, wait. It’s a full mess. The message is that if my mind is empty then it’s beautiful but if words appear in it then that’s when it becomes a mess.
Really, I should question this stuff (my preconceptions) more closely.
I’ve filled my mind with all sorts of Buddhist concepts that have had the effect of smoothing the wall of my mind over as if it’s a beautifully plastered wall, all flat and white. It’s not even an interestingly flat wall; the kind where if you stare at it for a while and shapes appear like elephants and heads of famous people in clouds. It’s just flat. When I try to defocus my mind and let a shape appear I hardly ever get anything. There was this one time at my nannan’s that I saw concentric, luminous, green rings growing over and over in my mind like smoke rings, but I doubt that that would be interesting to anyone. Certainly, my nannan wasn’t overly impressed and she loved me, so what hope do I have with anyone else.
It’s easy enough to realise that love’s the key to everything; all you need is a few decades of self-reflection and some lucky breaks with your reading material, but it’s more challenging to do something about it. Like, now that I know that I need love in my life, what am I going to do about that?
Let me set one thing straight: I’m not looking for love. I’m not sitting here wishing people would love me more. No. I have plenty of people in my life who are willing and able to love me. What I’m saying here is that I need to love more. Means that I want to know how to open myself up to loving … the world more.
By ‘the world’ I mean everyone and everything. Means that I need to … Well, it means that I want to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt. Love equates to pain for me. Yeah, I know that sounds twisted. And I’m not saying that love = pain is true for everyone. Just for me.
When I think about it (yeah, it’s a nasty habit, I know) it might have been Buddhism that screwed me over.
When I was a teenager I fell in love. Then she left me. Then I cried. Then I stopped crying. Then I read that Buddha said that the world is full of sorrow because we desire stuff and we can’t have that stuff and when we lose that stuff we cry. So I stopped wanting stuff. I stopped wanting people. I stopped loving stuff and people. And I didn’t cry again. (Apart from, you know, during slushy movies. In the dark.)
Sound trite when you say it quick, but that’s how my heart got hardened.
How do I find love when love causes pain? Things come and things go like slippery fish. I can’t hold on to them. If I try to then ,when they go, and they always do, then I feel the pain of my loss.
Emotions. I know what they are. I read about them in books. I know the dictionary definitions. I remember knowing how to feel them. I almost hear but seldom bear the scars of tears. Deep inside me I feel an echo of sorrow. It tries to rise before I push it down under again. Drown.
Being alone in the light is not much different from being on my own in the dark. Alone is alone. Peace is quiet. As quiet as the grave. I didn’t even wait to die. I just lay down and stopped.
I have always searched for and tried to embrace peace. I tell people I just want a quiet life. I have not searched out love. I avoid connection, attachment and association; anything involving an exchange of love.
Here’s something I realised:
Peace, and the search for it, has separated me from humanity. Love would give me a connection to humanity. If I embraced it. In fact, it would give me many connections. Many, many.
If I felt like this all the time then I would have a really shit life to look forward to.
The man who moved to his left as I moved to my right on the pavement then stepped off the pavement as I did then crossed to the middle of the road as I did then stayed in the middle as I moved towards him was a cunt. He’d either seen the headline in the papers that said that covid cases were up 17% this week in the UK and wanted to contribute further to that rise or he just wanted to wind me up. Either way, he’s a cunt. In fact, I came think of any other explanation for his behaviour. All of which means that I’m the biggest cunt of them all.
I was thinking, only yesterday (was it really so short a time ago?), that the world is composed of matter in various configurations and that the vibrations from that matter enter out brain through various sense organs. Then we try to make sense of it. Our perception of the world depend on how we interpret those vibrations. If we apply love to those vibrations then it seems as if we’re living in a world built of love.
Each day is an opportunity to reach out and touch someone’s life in a way that makes the world better for them, you and, actually, everyone. This works especially if it’s an amazingly massive good thing you’re doing, like … and here imagination fails me.
I mean, what kind of deed could really reach out and touch the whole, entire human race. Giving money’s not really going to cut it; unless it’s lots and lots of money. And that ain’t going to happen. Not because of the lack of will but because I just don’t have enough money to make a difference in almost 8 billion lives.
But what about love, I hear you say. What if you were to do some kind of loving meditation that embraces the whole world and everything it contains with some kind of healing and revitalising power. Well, yeah, there is that. The thing is though: I’ve been doing that for some time now and no one’s stopped me in the street and said great meditation last night, Robert, I feel much better now, thanks. Not that I want the praise and adulation, you understand, but it’s just that … well, how do you know if something like that is working!?
Wait, hold on; I got it. I just realised how I know it’s working. I know because I’m having a really great life and I feel the good vibes of everyone I meet. I feel that we are all joined in one loving and supportive family and every time I meet someone, that vibe comes through really clearly. Okay, well, in that case, I’ll carry on with the loving, world-embracing meditations. 🐸
I love you until the wheels fall off. We careen down the rocky hillside on axles only. The shrieking of brakes with no effect. Only noise. Only sparks. Only nothing but the cliff beckoning. He says ‘throw yourself down.’ I say ‘I’m already in the air.’
I have dreams like this.
I want to inspire you but what can my words do but tap away at the edges of your mind. I have no cliffs with which to beckon. I have no air to support your wings. I am no dream for you to experience the wild sides of life within. I am mere flesh and mind. I sit here with my head cocked to one side; one eye focused on the page with the other fixed on an internal horizon. Lucky for me that I have no need to watch the keyboard for I have no eyes to spare. Makes me think of those that say spare some change to which I say thanks for the opportunity, but no. No to change for I’m impaled by this pin through my thorax. Flutter, flutter, bye.
I think of you Like trees think of clouds, Like birds dream of worms, Like temples imagine God. I also love you.
I approach you Like air tends to yawns, Like castles creep up on catapults, Like rain seeks the seabed. I also love you.
I embrace you Like acorns store oaks, Like wolverines spoon sheep, Like oceans hug islands. I also love you.
I fall apart. My brain waves Like fish finger, My lungs suck Like bees bumble, My tongue tastes Like butter flies, My wrist watches Like eye balls, My heart beats; Heart beats; Just beats; Beats You up.
Inspired by, without reading it, Reginald Shepherd’s Also Love You.
As I begin to clean the downstairs toilet I think ‘there are more bases for attraction than sexuality’.
I write ‘there are more bases for attraction than sex’.
I search the internet for ‘bases for attraction’ and the jnternet tells me how to get to first base with a girl.
I ask the internet for some different words for ‘bases’ and I am given words about chemistry, architecture, botany, zoology, geometry, surveying and heraldry.
I tap some words onto this screen to form the basis of this post and then watch the cursor blinking at me in a mocking way.
I think that when two people like each other then neither the starting premise nor the end goal of their story together necessarily have to be about sexual contact. This is equally true whether it’s a story of a moment spent exchanging smiles in the street or the story of a consuming relationship spanning continents and decades.
I think that these things can also be bases for attraction:
Shared interests (physical, mental, spiritual)
Convergent points of view (or divergent points of view of you love alternative points of view (and have found someone who loves in the same way))
Loving others in the same way that one loves God. Can we flood people with love in the same way that we would flood God with love? Yes we can. And if we’re not flooding God with love, then why not? Doesn’t God deserve that?
This list is not definitive. It doesn’t become complete just because I can’t think of anything to add to it right now.
And now, apropos to nothing, I’m going to go out and cut up the (dead) trees that I felled last month. Do you happen to know anyone who has a spare zero-emission wood-burner? And Freud – if you’re listening – there’s no symbolism involved in my desire to reduce my wood to a manageable size.