Long Rant

Because you think that everything will just keep going as it is we will function as we we we are you don’t put anything in place emergency nothing is in place but with Manish we should have had something in place when he started to behave like that because it wasn’t nice the experience I had was a horrible experience being in that place with much horrible horrible no respect for anybody how he treated you know you know just if you could just put the music on the TV over not even thinking I had to complete it engine no nothing like that something the same way about that and all I want to know is you will be there and then you will be blaming me Cos you would want to go out and I would say yes but you wouldn’t want to go and even if you go out and I want to go let’s say I finish work four o’clock three o’clock or whatever and then I be what do I do go on my own and get lost we don’t know anybody this time with the knee I was hoping you would have made friends with the neighbours and my attention was purely when we go there I will be self sufficient so if I know somebody I can say what Loki I’m going to go into town not with you I don’t want to be with stuck with you for the seven days because I know when I’m with you it’s hard to go everywhere is walking walking walking but I don’t see it as a walking holiday and This is why you wouldn’t even sit down and ask me what I want never I get the opportunity to see what I want out of a holiday tired of always doing it for what you want what you wanna do that’s what we do what you wanna do with nothing in terms of me what I want I’m not it’s not about the driving is about the whole thing he still not telling me what you want you said you don’t I said it’s right in holiday why you going taking a week off to do what in Kendal when we get there what are you going to do if I am clear in my head that I will know how to walk around if you don’t want to ride in fine and then if we are to carry laptop carry carry my work laptop the smaller one or we take three laptops with us then if it’s a walking holiday renting walking boots is not like you you have one would you do everything I don’t have to take walking something you know whatever for me it’s all those little things and then I can see it just becoming so much stuff give you it to carry the food but I didn’t give you my stuff to carry remember when we walked down I took all my stuff I had all my stuff with me all my snacks everything was in my bag the only thing you carry was the food and I had one back also that is food for both you have to stop think of me because I’m not going to do it anymore and then what that’s what this stress is what to do with you in that place I know nobody here I know I can go out and no people I can go with people meet people do you think there I am an even more interesting did I say that thing is nothing like that Bing and having your own space to do the things you enjoy you enjoy stuff that is nothing to do with what I enjoy but we can’t come together so I always have to end up doing the things you and I could never get to do the things I want to do because you know what you don’t want to be part of all the time you think I want to walk to Asda when we get there to buy shopping no that you wanna do that because that’s what we have to do Cos we can’t carry everything

To improve a situation what is apple spider every time we have a thing it always boils up or you don’t like me you don’t like my company why apple because you want me to like you you want people to like you all those people on your call the way you speak to them you want them to like him but what does low self respect me anybody will tell you that because if you didn’t wouldn’t matter if somebody like you or not like you you will still be able to read it but I don’t hold it against them but you hold it all the time against all the time you hold it because I have to like you all the time unbelievable

Territory

The council seem to have stopped spraying weedkiller on the weeds at the sides of the road. As a result, grass, dandelions and other green things are lushly growing out of the cracks between the kerbstones and the road.

I keep kicking them out. As I pass a big clump of weeds, a well-aimed kick sends it sailing into the road. Clump by clump I’m clearing York’s roads of weeds.

There are lots of places where weeds are free to grow wild. They take over these places and thrive in their prolific profusion. They are at home there. They belong. Where they don’t belong is in the cracks at the side of these road. So says me.

There’s an ants nest in the walls of our house. Sometimes, the ants come into the house, but mostly not. Still, they are not welcome there. It isn’t their place, despite their feelings (or whatever ants have in place of feelings) to the contrary. So I try to kick them out. I squirt poison into their holes and then block the holes with matchsticks. And then I cover the whole area with that white powder.

There are lots of places for ants to live and thrive in their relentless profusion. Just not in the walls of our house. They don’t belong there. So says me.

Pigeons try to build nests under our solar panels on the roof. Need I say more?

I have this idea of boundaries: that things and people only exist in delineated territories. That we should stick to our own places and that we should not invade those of others.

I have many, many stupid ideas like this. Ideas that cause division and argument. I declare that this is mine and that no-one else has the right to take it. And, inevitably, when they do, I rant and rage and slam doors and drawers to show my displeasure. I use anger as a tool to try to communicate the message that I feel intruded upon. That my territory has been invaded. And that I want it back.

It’s really difficult to shift this feeling of ownership. But I’m aware of it. I’m aware that the feeling that I own things and places and ideas has moved into my mind. And now I’m aware – I want it out.

Ah, if only there was a powder you could buy for that.