I Was Talking To Myself!

I’ve done some really interesting things today. In fact, not just today, but in my entire life. I thoroughly enjoy my time here on earth.

Gah, who am I trying to kid? My life is a sh*t sh*wer. It’s just day after day of the same things that I did yesterday and the day before that.

Nah, Robert, don’t be like that, mate! Think of how much you enjoyed spending two hours doing a quarter of a crossword just now. Aren’t you proud that you didn’t need to look anything up?

You have got to be kidding me! The highlight of my day is getting seven words in a bl**ding crossword?! There surely has to be more to life than this. You’ll be telling me next that eating 5 packets of Cheese Puffs was a good move too.

Well, they were very tasty, weren’t they! And they were only small packets.: 18 grams instead of the usual 25. And so cheap too! Eighty-five pence for a bag of 10 packs. And don’t forget that they’re baked not fried!

Yeah, well in that case you should have finished off the whole 10 pack and be done with it. In fact, why didn’t you nip out and get another 10 pack before ALDI closed then you could have stuffed your face even more. You could have picked up a bar of chocolate too, you fat knacker!

Fat? Who are you calling fat? I’m only a shade over eleven and a half stone, which is actually pretty good for my height. And you should have seen me running across the road today; I was like an Olympic sprinter I was!

Yeah, they should start a new category at the Olympics especially for you: the seven-metre dash. Such sublime entertainment that would be for the international media coverage.

I sense you’re being a little sarcastic. Is it something I said?

Nah, nothing like that. It’s just the way that you talk things up all the time. You’re just waaay to relentless cheery for my taste. You should get a grip of your …. aargh! did you frickin’ well see the size of that spider!

Maan, yes! Now that was speed! The way he ran across the floor there was … wait, I think I can feel something crawling up my trouser leg … aargh, aargh, get it off me!!

You get it off, I’m going to bed!

Wait for me!

Runnnn!!

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